| Pointless Prophecies - June 2008 |
| by Ms. Starr E. Ide |
|
| Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo | Libra | | Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn | Aquarius | Pisces | |
| Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) |
| Don't give in to bullying. Overreacting will give others the upper hand, and you know how those neighborhood third graders get when you show weakness - they're like sharks with the scent of blood; circling you; prepared to pounce with those huge mouths filled with rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth ... sorry, the stars were watching "Jaws" the other night and they're a little freaked out. Anyway, back to the evil children. Stay cool and refuse to let their taunting get to you. What's so bad about being a "stupidhead" anyway? If they graduate to calling you a "poopyface" though, you may need to lay the smack down. |
| Taurus (Apr 21-May 21) |
| Everything is moving along the way it should, whether you realize it or not. And you probably don't realize it because you're such a pessimist. And even if you do realize it's moving along, you'll probably come up with some reason why that's a bad thing. Or maybe you'll whine that things move along with or without you because you don't matter to anyone. Or you'll be like the old folks and complain that things just keep moving along too fast these days. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sure you'll find something to be a baby about. Go ahead and cry because I was mean to you; see if I care. |
| Gemini (May 22-Jun 21) |
| Your emotions will be hard to hide because the planets are aligning some way, and some comet is passing through somewhere, and this star thing is happening. How that makes it difficult to keep your trap shut, I'm not sure, but it does. Not that it's unusual for you - you seem to be living under the delusion that people actually care how you feel. Heh. The stars are very amused. Anyway, don't put yourself in a vulnerable position that could lead to divulging information you want kept secret. Believe me, your boy/girlfriend doesn't really want to know if your ex was better in bed; and telling your mom how discouraged you are about your addiction to internet porn is definitely not going to bring you closer. So basically, shut up, no one cares. That's the advice the stars have for you this month. |
| Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 23) |
| Avoid getting involved in someone else's problem or responsibilities. You're so nosy all the time, and it's not because you're nice or empathetic, even though you like to think so. It's because you really have no life of your own, so your self-esteem comes from convincing yourself not only that others are far worse off than you, but that you can somehow look down on them with condescension from a position of superiority and tell them what to do like an ancient Greek god. (I'd wanna be Aphrodite because I'd be hot and I could get back at all my exes by making them fall in love with all my man's exes and then they could make each other miserable.) Anyway, I can tell you all this because I know what I'm talking about because I'm so much better than you, my life is perfect, and you should do exactly what I say. And maybe build a temple to me and give me some offerings. My favorite fruit is bananas and I like my virgin sacrifices quiet and docile. Screaming gives me a headache. |
| Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23) |
| Do as much as you can for others and keep as busy as possible to avoid trouble. If you keep as busy as possible by doing as much as you can for others, you get bonus points. Doing "as much as you can for others" is pretty vague, so take advantage of the verbal loophole and have some fun. After all, sleeping with someone else's girlfriend could be good for them if you teach her some great new moves to use. Putting X-lax in your horrible bosses coffee will be great for them - people pay tons of money for those colon cleansings and you'll be giving it to him for free. And you could really do someone a favor by rear-ending them when they pull out in front of you and go really slowly because the insurance will get a new car for them. If they're really lucky, you might even injure them, and they can go on disability, get a settlement and never have to work again. There are all kinds of interpretations of what could be done for someone else's good. I should know, that's how I screw with you guys all the time. |
| Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23) |
| Make home improvements, like remodeling your front porch or getting rid of your annoying spouse. Watch your back at work or when dealing with people who can make a difference to your current position - and yes, that includes the new large-busted chick who acts all sweet to your face but is in fact sleeping with your boss so she can bad mouth you until she gets your job. Don't get angry. Do your best and get even, even if that means you have to start sleeping with your boss too. Speaking of getting even, don't forget that Father's Day is coming up, and with it your chance to get back at your bastard, deadbeat, cheating, lying baby daddy and his new supermodel wife by having your kid "pick out" a Father's Day present of an orphaned litter of five St. Bernard puppies to live with them in their big house with brand new carpet and expensive furniture. Holidays are a beautiful thing. |
| Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23) |
| You can talk your way in or out of anything and you will probably have to. It will take some very creative thinking to explain that plastic bag of greenish-brown leafy substance in your glove compartment to a traffic cop on a power trip trying to compensate for the fact that he's 5-foot-4 and balding. He may believe it's your favorite homemade tea, but I doubt it. Also, someone may try to load you up with more responsibilities than you can handle, so tell that annoying PTA mom to shove it where the sun don't shine. Your idea of support for that bake sale is buying a couple of her nasty rhubarb pies. |
| Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 23) |
| Someone you love will have a great impact on you and it may leave you in a precarious position. So if your spouse or parent is morbidly obese, definitely stay out of their favorite chair. Also, you will have to live with the decisions you make, so be careful how you move forward. Unless you make the decision to confront your freaky next-door neighbor about his or her spying on your significant other with binoculars all day and night. Then you really won't have to live with it, because you'll discover the depth of their obsession right before they kill you, chop your body into itty bits and feed it to your significant other in a stew on their first date a couple weeks later. The story your killer gives to your ex about how you left her for another woman will make her fall right into his arms. So really, just get some good blinds and keep them closed. |
| Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21) |
| Talks will be instrumental in the outcome of a partnership, but since you are incredibly selfish and never seem to have much trouble opening your mouth, it may be time for you to listen for a change. Speaking of change, it may appear to be necessary but, before you start the process, observe the way things unfold. Like one of those origami birds for instance. I got one at a Chinese restaurant the other day and it was really cool. But then my husband crumpled it up and it was ruined. I got really upset and started bawling and screaming and having a fit. I'm crying right now. I can barely finish this horoscope, but I'll try - you are likely to be surprised by how overly emotional you get over simple things, but try not to overreact. I'm going to kill myself now, goodbye cruel world. I'm coming to you, origami bird. |
| Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) |
| Your significant other will die of a broken heart after a tragic origami incident. But the stars also indicated that home improvements will turn out well and satisfy you and your loved ones, so it's entirely possible that the prophecies are related and it's all for the best. You will get your way and make everyone feel happy. (Except your significant other, who won't feel anything because he/she is dead.) But so long as you're happy, it's all good, you selfish bird-squashing bastard. Hmm ... actually, the stars also want you to invest all your money in a new company called "PVC Polka Dot Culottes, LLC." It's going to be a hit, really. Everyone loves polka dots, and frankly, if skinny jeans on guys can become fashionable, it's not that much of a stretch. ALL your money. Got it? Every cent! |
| Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19) |
| Don't trust anyone who is promising you the impossible - in other words, definitely DON'T invest in a company called PVC Polka Dot Culottes, LLC. I like you Aquarians, you guys are all right this month. Unfortunately, ulterior motives are apparent when dealing with friends, family and neighbors, and you'll discover that deep down, everybody hates you. Not just a little bit, but a lot. Like, I'd rather visit a nude beach with Rosie O'Donnell while listening to Paris Hilton's album and eating dog biscuits and Spam burgers than hang out with you. A little will go a long way, so don't overspend. There's no law that says you can't take a hot chick on a date to WaWa and still expect to score. And for real, reruns of "Law and Order" are just as riveting the 10th time as the first, and much more convenient than using the gas to drive to the movie theater, then buying ticket, popcorn and soda. For real, those chicks that need good wine, Italian food and a ch0ick flick to get in the mood are just way high maintenance. The dollar menu is calling! |
| Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20) |
| You may be asked to do more than usual, so you can do one of two things: be a kiss ass, or actually have some balls and stand up for yourself. If you meet the demands, you will gain approval from someone who can help you get ahead. If you don't spend your time on your knees puckering up, you might actually get laid. Your choice. Also, someone from your past may come back into your life, so you're going to have to get rid of them again. Obviously, the rat poison didn't finish the job the first time. Poor Bob the Rat. Wait, you thought I was talking about a person? You sicko. I'm totally calling the cops. |